her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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