I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
