Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
