Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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