Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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