Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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