VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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