Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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