??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
