That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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