I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Randomize
