she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
