Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
