I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
