Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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