just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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