Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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