I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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