Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
