All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
