so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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