I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
