There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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