I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
