69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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