I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
