I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I believe in your delicious
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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