She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
