If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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