Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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