I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
