She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
