fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
