you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
