we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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