she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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