That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
