I think I won the penis lottery.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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