Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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