It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
