I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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