life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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