I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
