You just made me feel so damn special
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
