How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
