Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
