Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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