I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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