i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's rum buckets o'clock
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The air taste purple.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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