I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
